all the fucks

Alex: http://hrostoski.com/2014/10/fuck-you-spiritual-people/
Renee sent this to me today. You might enjoy it as well
Sent at 2:57 PM on Thursday

Lizzy: ah wonderful
Sent at 3:00 PM on Thursday

Lizzy: writing out all my fucks

Alex: RIGHT?! I’ve been so busy at work today, that I haven’t had time. Now, I’m just too lazy.
FUCK full time jobs that get crazy hectic, but are absolutely pointless to my life.
Sent at 3:02 PM on Thursday

Lizzy: FUCK shoulder and neck pain
FUCK not having enough money to do what I want
FUCK my shitty job that I hate

Alex: FUCK my ankle, and stretched ligaments
FUCK anxiety of walking or moving faster than a snail
FUCK Whole Foods and their ridiculous prices for food that always tastes better than the lunch I packed
FUCK never having enough money for all the things I want to do.
Sent at 3:06 PM on Thursday

Lizzy: FUCK holiday logistics and entitled people
FUCK food for tasting so good
FUCK past mistakes
FUCK belly fat
Fuck short arms
FUCK people who play games
FUCK filing
Sent at 3:08 PM on Thursday

Alex: FUCK belly fat.
FUCK eating bad for one day, and feeling it in my thighs the next day.
FUCK hormones
FUCK boob pain
FUCK assholes who think with their penis
FUCK my big heart and how it loves JUST WAY TOO GOD DAMN MUCH sometimes – seriously.
FUCK phone calls ALL GOD DAMN DAY.
FUCK working for a living

Lizzy: FUCK working for a living
FUCK trying to stay current in fashion and trends
FUCK bad sex
Sent at 3:11 PM on Thursday

Alex: FUCK sex you thought was going to be so good, and was a fucking let down.
FUCK friends with benefits who suck at their one role in your life.
FUCK cocky people who talk a big game and don’t deliver EVER.

Lizzy: FUCK guys who kiss and tell
FUCK people who gossip
FUCK people who base their life on material goods

Alex: FUCK people who base their life on material goods

Lizzy: FUCK my condo that needs so much FUCKING WORK I don’t know how I’m ever going to sell it and make a FUCKING PROFIT

Alex: FUCK people who can’t hold a conversation

Lizzy: FUCK people who can’t hold a conversation
Sent at 3:15 PM on Thursday

Lizzy: FUCK the medical system that pays for Viagra because it’s okay for men to have recreational sex but a medical system that doesn’t pay for birth control for women

Alex: FUCK the medical system that pays for Viagra because it’s okay for men to have recreational sex but a medical system that doesn’t pay for birth control for women – DITTO
FUCK birth control being so damn expensive

Lizzy: FUCK all the GODDAMN LAUNDRY I have to fold and put away that NEVER FUCKING ENDS

Alex: FUCK women having to take all the responsibility

Lizzy: FUCK antiquated views of women who enjoy sex

Alex: FUCK having to eat healthy all the time when all I want to do is eat potato chips and never gain a single pound
FUCK girls who can eat shit all the time and never gain a single pound

Lizzy: FUCK having to eat healthy all the time when all I want to do is eat potato chips and never gain a single pound

Alex: FUCK men who fucking fill their guts with the most disgusting food – AND NEVER GAIN A SINGLE POUND

Lizzy: FUCK portion control and staying away from bread and pasta
FUCK alcohol for giving me wicked hangovers
FUCK anxiety for keeping me in the shadows
FUCK being afraid of the dark
FUCK thinking I’m fat or that I need to change anything about my physical appearance

Alex: FUCK being afraid of the dark
FUCK thinking I’m fat
FUCK thinking I’m not good enough because I’m not a size zero

Lizzy: FUCK thinking I’m not good enough because I don’t have a degree

Alex: FUCK cat calls
FUCK feeling ashamed for wearing the shortest Lululemon shorts at the gym today that I spent $60
FUCK Lululemon for charging $60 for shorts that barely cover your ass
FUCK feeling like I don’t deserve things because I don’t have a degree
FUCK school for costing so much money
FUCK Student loans for NEVER going away

Lizzy: FUCK barrister fees that mean FUCK ALL because whoever has the most money wins anyway
FUCK rent, student loans, credit cards and any other money I owe
FUCK my car for being FUCKING TURQUOISE AND ANCIENT AS SHIT
Sent at 3:27 PM on Thursday

Lizzy: FUCK people for patronizing my relationship and its struggles
FUCK work clothes for being so fucking uncomfortable

Alex: FUCK all the money I owe
FUCK parking tickets – especially the ones that were not worth it
FUCK having to wear clothes at all

Lizzy: FUCK Photoshop for being the standard
FUCK Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for being so fucking fake and diluting art, music, and culture
FUCK art for being so expensive
Sent at 3:31 PM on Thursday

Alex: FUCK people who worship celebrities
FUCK not being paid to be a writer
FUCK people who think that writing doesn’t qualify as a profession
FUCK this city for being so damn expensive
Sent at 3:32 PM on Thursday

Lizzy: FUCK JOVAN PEDERSON FOR EVER ENTERING MY LIFE, WHAT A CREEP

Alex: OMG. yes.
FUCK DAVE… and the fact that I have to see him at the gym. And the for being so good looking and infiltrating my mind all damn day
FUCK the “one who got away” and will never come back
FUCK KYLE, for being an immature 40 year old

Lizzy: FUCK Chase for telling everyone we had sex when we were 13 because he was a DOUCHETARD who got mad when I wouldn’t have sex with him
FUCK Josh for asking ME out and then dumping ME for my best friend Donna two days later and FUCK Donna for ruining our friendship over a lousy guy
Maybe FUCK me for that one, too. Donna was nice
FUCK Brian’s family for giving shitty Christmas gifts

Alex: FUCK myself for making bad decisions more than I make good ones most of the time
FUCK losing my virginity to someone who totally didn’t deserve it

Lizzy: FUCK my family for inferring that I’m selfish for wanting to donate money to people who actually need it instead of buying each other shitty Christmas gifts
FUCK fucking people who totally weren’t worth it
FUCK Jason Davis

Alex: FUCK both of those things
FUCK feeling ashamed for having an increasingly large “people I’ve fucked” list.
Hahaha… what did Jason do now?!

Lizzy: told me he’s hanging out with you next week to make me jealous. Which it did.
FUCK jealousy

Alex: OH. WHAT A TURD
FUCK JEALOUSY
Sent at 3:40 PM on Thursday

Alex: FUCK regret
FUCK time machines NOT existing

Giving up Twitter for Lent, Again

I’m giving up Twitter for Lent again. It officially starts on Wednesday February 18th and continues for 40 days and nights, but I just deleted it from my phone in preparation. I need a break from broadcasting my thoughts for a while. I did it last year, and I literally carried around a book and documented all the random little bursts of would-be tweets. You don’t understand how pathetic it feels to write these things down with a pen and paper, especially when there is no one else to validate me.

Anyway, the following was brought to you by Lent 2014:

March 5th – Not stalking is harder than I thought it would be.

March 5th – I’d be the best 16 year old ever.

March 6th – OMG! Glitter everything! http://www.pinterest.com/pin/116671446568878687/

March 6th – Pinterest is broken. My life is over. Goodbye cute crafts and hairstyles that I was never actually going to try anyway.

March 6th – LET THERE BE INTERVIEWS!

March 6th – I made the most amazing mock pad Thai for dinner. I say mock because instead of noodles I used spaghetti squash again.

March 7th- HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY!

March 7th – Sorry, but the last people I’d send to Mars are a bunch of depressed people that aren’t LIVING on Earth http://digg.com/video/mars-one-way-on-vimeo except maybe the bee keeper.

March 7th – Is it rude if I unfollow my own posts on Facebook?

March 7th – Let sing about the stars
Let’s drive into the night
Forget about the day
And look forward to tonight

March 7th – Up to no good.

March 7th – I learned that the nearest four square check in is the bust stop near my house. So I checked in there for Untappd and now I can’t stop laughing.

March 8th – CREEPY AS FUCK http://www.tickld.com/x/20-two-sentence-horror-stories-that-will-keep-you-up-at-night-7-gave-me-chills

March 8th – Procrastination level 5000 unlocked. I’m going all the way, kids.

March 9th – Attended the scene of a bad car accident last night. Turns out one of the people hurt was my mom’s friend. Small world.

March 9th – Who needs friends when you have chips?

March 9th – It’s soooo sunny, why oh why did I leave homework until today? I’m an idiot.

March 9th – You’re my favourite mistake.

March 9th – Generate is the greatest photo app. Loving it.

March 9th- The women in my family have a lot of balls. Proud of all of them. Especially my sister.

March 11th – Started my day by watching strangers kiss for the first time http://sploid.gizmodo.com/watching-complete-strangers-make-out-is-actually-awkwar-1540921129?utm_campaign=socialflow_gizmodo_facebook&utm_source=gizmodo_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow ❤

March 12th – Sun burnt. Oops.

March 13th – I’ve been listening to a lot of classical music lately, this is great http://www.wimp.com/coinsurprise/

March 13th- Found out the video of strangers kissing is a fake. Feeling jaded.

March 13th- Day 8 of the 100 days of happy challenge and I am grumpy as fuck. Just…. stay away.

March 14th- My Irish drinking name is Filthy McDrunkerson wrote at 9:12am

March 14- I dislike hearing that cars were broken into near my house while I was home alone last night. I need a dog.

March 14th- I told Keiran I was a disaster today and he looked at me sympathetically and told me I’m in good company. I have a lot of love for him right now.

March 16th- Tonight we’re American. I’ve made coleslaw, fried chicken, and waffles. #thisiswhyyourefat

March 16th- It’s been a while since Bill Withers broke my heart

March 17th- Kiss me, I’m actually Irish.

March 17th – Screw #100daysofhappy I’m happy every day and I don’t need photographic evidence to prove that to myself

March 17th- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. Yeah, I’m totally not sorry for that one.

March 17th- When someone pushes you away, it’s not an invitation to try harder to stay.

A few days went by and the thoughts became less and less…

March 2oth- playing on twitter for school, legitimately

March 21st – Studying on a Friday night BLOWS.

March 22nd- 30 is not the new 20 <— a compelling TED talks video. Feeling a lot better about *most* of my adult life choices

March 22nd – the blog got a new title and a makeover

March 22nd – I put too much tequila in my drink, but I’m wrapping up final assignments and studying on a Saturday night so I’m going to roll with it

March 23rd – I have no one to share my Buzzfeed quiz results with 😦 I got John Bender from the Breakfast Club, btw

March 23rd- I’m going to try my hand at a bacon spinach frittata for lunch

March 23rd- It’s really refreshing to clear your browsing history, especially when certain things that are bothering you keep coming up in past searches

March 23rd- For a while I thought I was going to end up like Olivia Wilde’s character in Drinking Buddies. Disaster averted.

March 24th- *hangs head in shame* the hairspray that I love is heartbreakingly expensive. Thank god I have an insider. Even so, I just spent $21 on hairspray.

March 25th- It’s been a long time since I wanted to slow dance, but this song does it. #allthefeels

March 25th- You’re beautiful, and your mind is fucking beautiful. And I can’t pretend that doesn’t mean a thing to me

……..

And that’s when I stopped documenting all the things I would have tweeted. It lost its appeal when there was no one to respond to me. I can tell you that the first few days were very isolating, and it wasn’t pleasant. The people who cared found ways to check in, and of course I had contact information for everyone that I wanted to stay in touch with.

If you really can’t live without me, you can drop me a line stopdropandro at gmail dot com and I’ll get back to you.

Anyway, this is goodbye for now. I hope to be in a better frame of mind when I return. Stay well.

Pep talk to myself

Cheer the fuck up, Rochele.

There is so much to be grateful for. You are pursuing your dreams. You are in school, doing something that you are good at, and working towards a career that you will enjoy. You are going to achieve what you’ve always set out to do. You will see the world and have adventures. 

You have a solid set of friends and family that inexplicably love you no matter what and check in when you’ve been out of their lives for too long. You are well loved, girly. These people know your faults and love you just the same. These people stick up for you when you can’t or won’t stick up for yourself. 

Despite your flaws and misgivings, you are a good person. You own up to your mistakes and you actively try to do good in the world. Forgiveness doesn’t always come easily when someone knocks you down, but you’re working on that, too. You regularly stand up for people and you have integrity.

Your vision for your future has derailed a little bit, but ultimately you know you are on a path to sorting it out. 

So cheer up, Rochele. You have a lot going for you. 

Lost. AGAIN.

Navigation is not one of my strong points.

I am chronically lost. I can’t read a map. Unless I can see the North Shore mountains or it’s sunrise/sunset, I have no idea what direction I’m facing. Ditto for map reading. I even manage to get lost using a GPS. Trust me, this is the ultimate failure and I feel really shitty about myself when it happens. It happens frequently.

Last night I got lost on campus. I was exhausted and overwhelmed, and there seemed to be no one around to help me find my way. Panic set in and I started walking and ended up in a place that I didn’t recognize at all. I felt tears welling up, and I felt so stupid for getting lost again and even dumber for crying about it. Why do I always do this? I look at a map, and then I get disoriented. Every. Single. Time.

I walked around for 30 minutes. I eventually found a path that I recognized from last semester and thank god I parked in the same parking lot that I always do. I had briefly considered parking somewhere else. I got in my car and felt really pathetic. I’ve spent a lot of time at this campus, I should know my way around by now, but I don’t.

One of my biggest fears is getting irretrievably lost.

– R

Thoughts after the first day of school

I’m going to write for five minutes every day. Starting today.

Last night was my first class of the semester. I’m taking computing and I was one of two girls in the class. I laughed out loud when one of the guys was visibly disappointed that I wasn’t going into programming and am only taking the class as a prerequisite.

I learned about binary, hexadecimals, solid storage, optical storage, portable storage, RAM, ROM, etc. After one class I feel like I have a basic understanding of how a computer works. I never thought I would care about binary (I’m married to an engineer, and trust me, he has explained binary many times) but learning the difference between analog and digital was interesting. I now understand how CD technology works. Essentially the disc is read by a laser, and the shiny side of the disc has lands and pits, and as the laser hits these lands and pits it reads binary which is translated into usable data. Cool beans.

Actually, I loved the whole class. I was genuinely interested in the technology and how it has changed and evolved.

I wonder if I had been exposed to any of this earlier in my life if it would have changed my path. I think I would be an excellent programmer. I can follow logic, I’m creative, and I enjoy problem solving. I like creating instructions. I am feeling inspired after one class. I hope the rest of the semester is an engaging.

Oh, I kind of love my instructor’s lame jokes. I’m the only one who laughs at them, though. I must be new at this.